My Name Is Drifter
by Death's Final Rose
Summary: Drifter, Liam Ironarm the Shang Dragon's horse has different ideas about his master...
1. Chapter 1

Hello people. This is just a really random thing. I just finished reading the Lioness Rampant, so it's all stuck in my mind. 

My name is Drifter. The Shang Dragon Liam Ironarm's 'faithful' horse. Mind you, that stupid Dragon can't even name horses properly. Or people, for that matter. The woman Alanna, for instance. He called her kitten. She resembles a kitten as much as I resemble her manservant Coram. Liam is, in my opinion, a word I heard the chief hostler say. You nincompoop, he was shouting one night. Liam is a nincompoop, as I like to call him. Or lima bean. I like lima beans. That's just about the only thing Liam is good at. Giving me lima beans. Liam gives me lima beans. That almost rhymes. But it doesn't, so what the heck. 

**Want to know why Lima Bean calls me Drifter? Is that a yes? Because if it isn't, I'm still telling you. Anyway. Lima Bean calls me Drifter because his brain is the size of a lima bean. Maybe I should eat it. But then again, Lima Bean's brain is smaller than a lima bean. A lima bean probably has an IQ higher than that of Liam Ironarm's. Did you know he made up the 'Ironarm' part of his name? Stupid. I mean, he still has an arm made of flesh and bone. He's crazy. **

**How was it? It's meant to be a one-shot, but if I get fifteen-twenty reviews, I'll might write another chappie. Or I might reduce that number to ten. Anyway, please review! I just wrote this, and my little bro thinks that it's funny. He also thinks that I am crazy. But then again, just about everyone thinks I am. My mum thinks I should be a boy. But I'm not a boy, so there. Whatever. Boys are all such crazy idiots. They are totally mental. Anyway, I feel like ranting on and on about something. So. One of my best friends, she and her friends write Fanfiction. (Gardevoir-Mages). They got a flame from someone called IlikeToType. He said that he was ashamed of being in the same species as them, then a second later said that they were monsters and ogres. That means that he is also an ogre. Strange, how the human mind works. Correction: strange, how the male human mind works. **

**P/S Sorry to all you boys out there who read the last sentence I wrote. But wow, for me, it is totally true. **


	2. The Poopile

Hiya, I just randomly decided to write another chapter. Please review, just to show you've been here! (oh yea, Nativewildmage? I don't have an obsession with lima beans. I just randomly thought of that, seeing Liam is an anagram of lima…)

**Now. Where was I? Oh yes. Should I tell you about the time when that stupid nincompoop of a human Liam Ironarm bought me from the markets? **

**I was there in a pen, minding me own business, you know, sweeping away those stupid flies, when randomly, this ugly guy with big muscles like Sinbad the Sailor, red hair like a fire, and SCARY eyes. I mean it. He's got really scary eyes. They always change colour…shudders in horror Anyway. I'm glad he died. No more scary eyes for me! No siree! HAHA! I now belong to the King's Champion, Alanna! Huzzah! Up with Alanna! (Well, the only bad thing she did was give birth to Thom. Crazy little idiot. Reminds me of Liam- a lot. Shudders again) **

**Well, this dude with scary green eyes, he points to me like I'm some funny clown. Hello! Look at me! Look at my funny nosey! Bet YOU don't have one! He must've thought I was saying that. With Liam, anything can happen. (Well, not now since he's dead as a doornail. HUZZAH!) Liam said to the dealer, "I want that one, the grey horse with white splodges. It looks like a good horse." UGH! I AM NOT AN 'IT' YOU FRIGGIN' BASTARD! Oops. Ahem. Blinks innocently. You didn't hear that. I was not cursing a dead man…no…I wasn't…BACK TO THE STORY! The dealer said, "It'll be twenty-two gold coins for him." I DUN LIKE YOU DEALER! Twenty-two gold coins! I was being undervalued. But then again, the dealer had called me a 'him' so that is at least better than being an 'it'. Liam pulls out this whopping big bag of coins and counts out twenty-two gold coins. I was still mad about being undervalued, so I went and tried to bite Liam. **

**AND GUESS WHAT HE DID? The friggin' idiot gave me a chop in the neck! Aiyee! I did the customary horsy thing: I gave him a good kick in the ribs. Huzzah! It caught him in the chest, lovely hit. Liam went flying up and over a fence and into the poo-pile. **

**The thing you should know about poo-piles is that they're BIG poo-piles. And that there are LOTS of flies. Yup. Flies extraordinaire. And Liam landed in it all. I would've done a victory dance if I could. But I couldn't, so I just gave the shocked dealer a horsy grin. But Liam got off the poo-pile, came out stinking like the poo-pile, brushed himself off from the stuff in the poo-pile, ran his fingers that had been in the poo-pile through his red hair that had been in the poo-pile, then patted me with a hand that had been in the poo-pile, which made my skin prickle because the hand had been in the poo-pile, and because flies were gathering around the man who had been in the poo-pile, and people were staring at the man who had been in the poo-pile. YAY! I said a sentence that is…92 WORDS LONG! Wow! All-time record for a horse like me! Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh uh huh uh huh. (For further details, watch _The Emperor's New Groove_) And I said 'the poo-pile' let's see… 9 TIMES! Wow! All-time record for a horse like me! Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh uh huh uh huh. **

**Liam glanced up at the sky, and then looked back at me. "You remind me of the clouds in the sky," he remarked, and I looked up. The sky was grey with white clouds. Like my fur. "Like clouds drifting through the sky…" At this point more people were staring at the madman covered in stuff from the horse poo-pile. "And for that I'll call you Drifter," he finished. I was furious, so I turned around, showing him my horsy butt. He only walked in front of me. Argh! I turned around again. He came in front again. I turned around, and before he could move, I did a nice big poo on his feet. Go me! Then I gave him another kick in the ribs. Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh uh huh uh huh. (Yeah, I know it's getting repetitive.) And of course, he landed in the poo-pile again. sigh humans will never learn. **

**But Liam still took me home, that friggin bastard. He should've known how I felt about him. We went on adventures together…often ending with me having to save his unworthy hide and kicking the enemy's butt and Liam's in the end. Once I made a mistake and kicked the enemy off a cliff, and kicked Liam off with him. My bad. Fortunately for me, Liam was still holding onto the edge, and yelling his stupid head off. I had to drag him up with my teeth. Ouch. **

**I'll tell you about our adventures some other time. All I'd like to say now, is that I had a lot of fun kicking Liam. Too bad he's not around anymore to act as a target. After all, I gave him such a good beating after his 'sessions' with the Champion in his sleeping roll…snicker (in case you didn't know, a horse snicker is a whinny, so if you hear a horse whinnying, it means that he or she is laughing at you.)**

**With all due respect to the reader, and none for Liam the Lima Bean, **

Drifter cross that out Eragotten. That'll be my new name…for now, unless the Champion decides to call me Drifter again. if she does, she'll be in the poo-pile next.

**P/S Did you know I once stuck Thom in the poo-pile? That was funny. I picked up with my teeth and dumped him in the poo-pile. The fence around it was too high to climb out, and even after the Champion came and rescued her good for nothing son, no one believed that the sweet little grey horse in the corner put him in the poo-pile. winks**

**How was that? I spent twenty minutes writing this chapter. Like it? The first reviewer here gets a special mention in the next chapters…**

**The first reviewer becomes a character. Just review, and tell me your name, and who you'd be if you were in the story. Note: you can't be the Champion. Reserved for Alanna. But you can be anyone else. One of the Shang warriors, another horse, a cloud with silver lining in the sky… **


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